Our season is over as of this weekend, so there have been a lot of "lasts" lately. Last practice, last bus trip, last team breakfast...it's been a long while since the beginning of August, but somehow the time between then and now has blurred by. It's sad how when we wait for something to be over, we tend to not really pay attention to what happens along the way, kind of like what I wrote about in my last post. So what do we do when it's all over? When we get what we want, and it's the end of the season, and we have all of this time on our hands? We finally have this freedom to decide, and when this freedom is finally there, having no one to dictate your actions or schedule for you seems like an great thing.
On the other hand, this freedom is what scares me the most sometimes. Decisions, no matter how small, end up changing the way our futures unfold. There is so much that we are in control of on a daily basis, but how do we determine which course of actions will lead to the best possible outcome? I have always been indecisive, but lately it has been especially weighing on me as I come to big decisions I need to make for next semester and next summer, yet still feel like I have no idea how to deal with them. How am I supposed to know which decisions will trigger the best opportunities? In these cases, the advice tends to be to "go with the flow" or "go with your gut feeling" but sometimes I don't even know what the flow or the feeling in my gut is. And that is what is so scary. Making decisions when I don't even know what I want.
I realize that maybe this uncertainty is the thing that's best about life and I just need to learn how to appreciate it instead of stressing about it. Still, I sometimes wish I could fast forward and see myself in the future, then come back and know what is right. Know how to balance possibility and choice, and what I think I want to do with what I feel I should do. I might never figure out the answers, and maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, but I don't think I will ever stop trying. I think about it though, and even though I might feel lost in the meantime, in the end I am still grateful to be "lost in opportunity." There are so many good things to look for in every day, and no matter what job I end up having or where I end up living, I know that I can make it good.
I am leaving you with a couple of my favorite pictures and a fortune from my first day of freedom, which could also be categorized under the title "Reasons I love New York":